


In All the Ways That It Matters

by tryslora



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: FTM, Other, Transgender, transgender teen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-12
Updated: 2010-10-12
Packaged: 2017-10-12 15:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/126249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tryslora/pseuds/tryslora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Adam, this is Deets.  Deets, this is Adam."  Introduction finished, Clare smoothed her skirt and sat back down next to Eli.</p><p>"Hey." The girl -- Deets -- smiled at him.</p><p>She was petite like Clare, only tiny all around. Definitely smaller than Adam, which wasn't normally something he liked, but there was some <i>thing</i> about this girl that drew him in. Maybe it was the brown curls that spilled around her face, with the soft highlights of blond and dark red. Maybe it was the wide brown eyes, framed in lashes that looked natural. Maybe it was the way she didn't have any makeup on at all, and she was still knockout gorgeous. Or maybe it was that smile, bright and wide and at the moment, focused entirely on him.</p><p>"Hey," he managed to say back. When Eli nudged him under the table, he fought for something else to say. "You new here?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	In All the Ways That It Matters

**Author's Note:**

  * For [snowynight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowynight/gifts).



> This story was written in response to a Help Pakistan bid, for my requester. I hope she likes it.
> 
> I don't own any of the characters in Degrassi, but I do like to write stories for them. Jordan, Pepper, and Deets, however, are mine all mine.

"Adam!"

He paused, book held loose in his arms, looking to see where Clare's voice was coming from. When he started moving again, he headed towards her automatically. Her and Eli, who were a thing now, but it was still a good place to eat lunch.

Except.

Whoa. Who was that?

Clare stood up and motioned him over, and he couldn't exactly just stop and turn around now. So Adam set the bag with his lunch on the table, then his bag of books on the floor, and slid into the seat. "Hey."

"Adam, this is Deets. Deets, this is Adam." Introduction finished, Clare smoothed her skirt and sat back down next to Eli.

"Hey." The girl -- Deets -- smiled at him.

She was petite like Clare, only tiny all around. Definitely smaller than Adam, which wasn't normally something he liked, but there was some _thing_ about this girl that drew him in. Maybe it was the brown curls that spilled around her face, with the soft highlights of blond and dark red. Maybe it was the wide brown eyes, framed in lashes that looked natural. Maybe it was the way she didn't have any makeup on at all, and she was still knockout gorgeous. Or maybe it was that smile, bright and wide and at the moment, focused entirely on him.

"Hey," he managed to say back. When Eli nudged him under the table, he fought for something else to say. "You new here?"

She nodded, picking up a french fry off her plate as she was talking. "Yep. Just moved to Toronto -- Canada, really; my dad used to work in Buffalo, but then he got this new job and we crossed the border and all."

"Adam's new to Degrassi just last fall," Clare pointed out, and Adam glared at her. Talking about when he and Drew had come into the school would only point out why they'd transferred and what had happened after that, and the part they'd played in the mess that had turned into the new police state they were all living under.

Purple. Deets was wearing the same color shirt as himself and Clare, so she was their year. Cool.

"Why Deets?" he had to ask, because honestly, it was a pretty weird name.

"It's short for Perdita, which is just a holy hell of a mouthful," Deets admitted, her cheeks faintly flushed. "My sister started calling me Deets when we were little, and it stuck."

"Older or younger?" Adam was relaxing now as the conversation slipped away from anything that could focus on himself.

"Older. Graduated just last spring."

And that was something he could commiserate on, having an older brother himself, even if they weren't all that far apart in age. Adam pulled his sandwich out of the bag, and while she picked at her fries with a healthy appetite, Adam talked with his mouth full and by the end of lunch they were laughing.

It didn't make Adam forget just how gorgeous she was. But he stopped noticing the pleased look on Clare's face, and the way she had that small self-satisfied smirk that said she knew she'd set something in motion.

#

It took him two weeks before he fought up the courage to ask her out.

Deets had somehow become a part of their group, sitting with them every day at lunch, walking to classes, hanging out at the Dot after school. When Eli and Clare were... busy... Adam found Deets catching up to him and making sure he was occupied. She had a love of horror movies, and most afternoons found them sprawled at opposite ends of the sofa laughing at the kitschy ones, and Adam laughing when Deets squealed and covered her face with her hands.

She always left before Adam's mom got home from work. Adam didn't want to answer questions, and he knew his mom didn't want him dating. Not yet.

It was a Tuesday, and Deets had just left, running home because her cousin was coming over for dinner with her boyfriend and she had to be there. Drew came in to the living from the kitchen just as the front door closed.

"You like her," he said as he dropped into the space she'd left on the couch.

Adam's chin went up. "Yeah. I do."

Drew was silent a long moment, like some war was taking place inside his mind, then he cast a look over at Adam again, he spoke slowly. "Then ask her out."

Adam shook his head quickly. "Mom'd kill me."

Drew laughed a little. "She'd kill you if she had any idea you were hanging out with a girl every day after school. You don't have to be dating for Mom to see that you're into her."

He had a point. And Adam really really wanted to ask her out. And it wouldn't take much to figure out a way to work it out, right? Eli and Clare would help.

The emails to his friends only took moments, and he had a response back from Eli in IM almost immediately.

 _Movie? Course we will. Meet you guys at the theatre._

Adam sat back and smiled. He was going to ask Deets out. He was going on a date. His first date, but she didn't need to know that.

He waited until after dinner, until he knew his parents were sitting in front of the TV and they wouldn't hear him as long as he stayed behind closed doors. This wasn't something that ought to be texted. To be done right, he had to flip his phone open and actually dial her number.

When she answered, she sounded breathless. "Hello?"

"Hey." Adam waited a moment, then plunged onwards. "I had a question for you."

"Is it about the English homework?" she asked, "because if it is, I haven't even looked at it yet. I was going to do it on the bus."

Adam winced. "No, actually, it's not about homework. It's..."

Deets went quiet on the other end of the phone. Adam imagined her standing there, cradling the phone close to her ear, and he realized that she'd never once brought him home. He wondered if things were as good as he thought, or if she'd somehow guessed and was embarrassed by him. Swallowing hard, he blurted, "Movie. Friday. Go with me? We'd be meeting Eli and Clare."

She was too quiet, then he realized that the muffled sound was her talking to someone else while she held her hand over the phone. When she came back, he imagined the smile in her voice, "I'd love to."

All the air went out of him in a whoosh and he collapsed back onto his bed. "Awesome." He couldn't think of another word to say, simply breathing in and out in the pleasure of knowing _HE HAD A DATE_ with the most gorgeous girl in school.

"Adam?" Deets asked with a faint giggle.

"Oh. Still here," he flushed faintly. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Bright and early," she said.

Adam thumbed the off button on the phone and lay back again on the bed, arms spread. He had a date. A date. With a girl he really liked who he thought liked him back. Life was _perfect_.

#

When his mom dropped him and Drew off at Degrassi in the morning, Adam saw Deets sitting with Clare on the concrete ledge to one side of the stairs. Deets stood as the two boys walked closer, and Drew nudged him to go meet her. As soon as he was close enough, she slipped her small hand into his, and grinned at him.

"So Clare and I were talking," Deets said, as if Adam couldn't see Clare's grin as well. "And she said I should just ask: is a date just a date, or does it mean we're dating?"

"Well," Adam let the word draw out. "We've been spending a lot of time together. And you could maybe say some of the coffee trips have been dates. So sure, we're dating."

It was amazing the light in her face as her grin widened. "You are one great guy," she said before going up on tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

Adam's skin flushed red.

"I'll see you in class, _boyfriend_ ," she continued. "I have to go in and finish my homework."

He just stood there, watching, as Deets ran up the stairs and into the school. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Holy... that had just happened. For real.

"Congratulations," Clare commented. She was standing now, right next to him, nudging him slightly to go up the stairs. "Come on, Adam. She's a great girl and you deserve to be happy. Stop looking like you can't decide whether to cheer or throw up."

"Cheer," he said hoarsely. "She kissed me, Clare."

Clare's laugh was soft, and she hooked her arm through Adam's, tugging him with her as she walked. "On the cheek. Maybe she'll kiss you again after the movie Friday night."

Kiss. First kiss. Everything seemed so easy, so simple with Deets. Like he didn't have to think about anything at all.

Except he did. He had to tell her sometime because someday, if this worked out, she'd know the truth. First time he pulled her in to snuggle her, she'd know. That thought gave him the shivers, and he pulled away from Clare. When she shot him a concerned look, he forced an unsteady smile. "Bathroom," he said. And he knew it sounded fake, because he avoided using it as much as he could, since using the special needs one set him apart. But it was the only thing he could think of at the moment, and the only place he could think to escape to. And he needed just a moment to breathe.

#

Despite his nerves, the day settled into a pattern. Whether Adam was worried or not, Deets seemed completely oblivious. Class would end, and as they streamed into the hallways, she'd look both ways and slip her hand into his, managing to brush fingers or entangle their fingertips quietly as they walked between classes, but not so anyone might catch an obvious PDA and write them up (stupid police state rules, Adam thought).

By the time the end of the day rolled around, Adam was almost comfortable with it. And he didn't need to think about telling her anything, either, not just yet. Deets had to go home right after school to see her cousin, so there wouldn't be any snuggling on the couch to worry about. And it did worry him, and excite him, all at the same time. He wanted that first kiss, but he didn't want to see what she thought of him when she knew the truth.

So he just let her go without saying a word that afternoon, and in the morning, as soon as his mom had driven off, he picked Deets up again from where she waited by the stairs, and they walked into the school hand in hand.

Which is where it all went to hell.

"Oh look, you found yourself a baby dyke." Bianca's tone was loud and derisive as she pushed past them both in the hallways. It wasn't crowded, but she made an extra effort to shove Adam's shoulder anyway.

Adam's jaw tightened as he saw the bewildered expression on Deets' face. "Ignore her," he muttered.

"Awww." Bianca turned to face them, blocking the hall. "Haven't you told her? And here I thought you were just lucky enough to find someone who liked girls."

Adam saw red. He took a step forward, halting only when Deets' hand squeezed his so hard it was painful. "Take it back, Bianca," he growled.

She shrugged. "Why should I? If you haven't told her yet, someone ought to." Bianca tilted her head, regarding Deets. " _He_ is a girl," she said flatly. "Go ahead, poke her chest. She's got boobs hidden under there."

"Come on, Adam," Deets tugged at his hand, pulling him back. And there were arms around his shoulders as well, turning him, making him take a step back. Bianca's bright laugh wrapped around him, blinding him, and he pulled sharply.

But his friends pulled back and kept him from the fight, even as Bianca called, "The whole school knows the truth! But I'm glad she found herself a lesbian. Even freaks like her deserve love, right?"

"Don't listen to her," Clare said.

Adam noticed Eli was being quiet. Too quiet. He raised his gaze to meet his friend's, and Eli looked away. Eli had always said to stand up to them, or the bullies won. But after Fitz pulled the knife, Adam hadn't been able to tell what Eli was thinking any more.

Adam wrenched himself free of the three of them, ignoring the hurt look in Deets' eyes. "Just go away," he muttered.

"Adam," Deets said, but he wouldn't let her finish, stalking off before he could hear the words that she was breaking up with him. He didn't stop when he reached the front door, going out into the sunlight and down the street. He'd catch holy hell from his mom when she found out he'd cut, but he just needed to take a day off right now. He needed to be alone.

#

Adam heard the bus pull up outside their house through the small slit that the window of his room was open. The door opened and closed downstairs, then a small thump of Drew's bag hitting the floor. He cranked up his music even louder, letting the screams wash over him and mask the footsteps coming up the stairs. When the door creaked open, he didn't look up from where he lay on the bed, arms wrapped around his pillow, face turned to the wall.

The anger had bled out shortly after he got home, taken out on the punching bag in the basement. He wasn't crying; boys don't cry after all. But he was trapped somewhere between angry and heartbroken, and he didn't know what to do next.

"Go away," he muttered, when Drew didn't close the door.

Instead, the music was turned down to a near-silent level before someone responded. "No."

The soft voice wasn't Drew's.

Adam rolled over to see Deets standing in the doorway, arms crossed and jaw set stubbornly. There was a thick bruise on her cheek, and her hair was pulled back into a chaotic ponytail that hadn't been there in the morning.

She'd gotten into a fight. Probably about him. Stupid idiots, he thought they'd all gotten over this, and maybe they had as long as Adam didn't remind them he was even there. He had to lie low, pretend to be normal, and just not do anything to inspire the bullies. He sat up, swallowing hard.

"Yes," he said firmly. "Go away. Date's off. Dating's stupid. Just go away, Deets."

Hurt flashed through her expression. "Why?" she asked. "Just tell me why, and I'll walk away."

Why _what_? Did she want to know why he hadn't told her that he'd been born in a girl's body? Did she want to know why he was a boy? He clenched his teeth together and shook his head. It'd been so much easier with Clare and Eli. He hadn't _liked_ them, not like this, with this visceral need that he felt for Deets and the desperate pain over her finding him out. "Because I don't like you," he said flatly.

He chose the words carefully, knowing they'd hurt. And he wanted to hurt her, because then she'd go away, and she'd be safe. "I just wanted to pass. If I had a girlfriend, I'd pass, right? But I don't care that much about _you_."

It was all a lie. He did care. He cared far too much and he wondered if she could see that in his eyes as he glared at her.

But her own eyes filled with tears and she blink roughly. "Oh. Well then." She took a step back. One hand against the doorway, she hovered there, looking at him. "I don't care, you know." She echoed his words back at him, and he imagined different meanings for them. Maybe she didn't care about him, the way he'd said he didn't care about her. Maybe she didn't care that he didn't care.

He wouldn't let himself think that maybe she didn't care about how he'd been born, or what anyone else said. That'd be deluding himself.

So instead he just lay back down and rolled over, facing the wall. A few minutes later, the door closed.

#

Adam didn't want to go to school the next day. No one had told his mom he'd gone truant, and Drew wasn't about to leave him behind. Besides, there was an assembly, so it wasn't going to be all that bad. Most of the morning would be spent in the auditorium, listening to kids speak about bullying. It was more backlash from the Vegas night; the school board thought a pep talk might keep people from pulling knives.

Adam could've told them it wasn't that simple. But no one really listened.

He avoided everyone, his uniform Degrassi hoodie up over his head, hiding his face from the world. When he found his seat, he slumped into it, legs stretched out under the row of seats in front of him, hands shoved into his pockets as he stared down.

They found him anyway, Clare sitting on one side of him, Eli on the other side of her, and Deets climbing across his legs to sit on his other side. Deets leaned against his shoulder, hand tucked over his arm; there wasn't really any space to run away.

"Settle down!" Simpson called out, and slowly the chatter died to whispers. They could all see the people sitting behind him on stage: the boy in the wheelchair, and the couple holding hands where they sat together, knee to knee.

"Thank you. As you know, Degrassi has a zero tolerance policy towards bullying. Today we have two speakers, who are both recent graduates and experienced the trauma that can come from bullying in their respective high schools."

"That's my cousin," Deets whispered. "On the stage there, with her boyfriend, Jordan."

Adam ignored Simpson, focusing instead on the couple. They seemed to be similar heights -- her tall and him shorter than average. Deets' cousin had lighter hair than Deets, the red more obvious. As her boyfriend stood up, Adam saw that he wasn't very bulky, although he could see muscles. The young man had close shorn dirty blond hair, and a delicate set to his face.

Oh no. No. No.

The boy stepped up to the microphone. He coughed, a small sound that was amplified throughout the auditorium, until everyone laughed. "I'm not used to public speaking," he said. His voice was low and warm, almost mellow. "Usually when I'm on a stage, I have a costume on and I'm speaking words that someone else wrote for me. Or singing. This is the first time I've had to write my own speech. So let me start with an introduction, I guess. I'm Jordan, and back there is my girlfriend Pepper. Her cousin is a student here, but that's not how I ended up on this stage. Mr. Simpson contacted me a few weeks ago, while you guys were all on break, and asked me to come up here. It was one of those friend of a friend of a friend things, where I guess he went to school with someone who my mom knew in college, and they got to talking, and here I am."

He spread his hands and looked around. "I guess you want to know why I'm here. And that's simple. I was bullied when I was in school. I had a rough time figuring myself out, and there were some people who weren't willing to give me space to do it. But i was lucky. My best friends were amazing people who were always there by my side -- Maria and Cece, my brother James, and Pepper of course.

"The thing is, people are afraid of what's different. If you don't understand it, it scares you."

Deets tugged Adam's hand free from his pocket, curling her fingers around his. He held on right back, almost too hard, dreading what was coming and praying it wasn't, even as he tried to slink lower and into invisibility.

"People never understood that even though I was born with a girl's body, I was always a boy."

It was a pin drop moment. Jordan paused in talking, and Adam could swear that the entire auditorium was looking at him. Oh God. He didn't want this kind of attention. Didn't need this to be happening. He wanted to walk out, but then they really all would be looking at him. Staring. Knowing. Judging.

He tuned out what Jordan said, not wanting to hear about how someone else got past being abused in school. He didn't want to know what happened. He felt Clare's hand lightly rubbing his arm on the one side, and on the other, Deets held on like she wouldn't let go.

He swallowed hard, and risked a glance at Deets.

She smiled slightly. "You okay?" she whispered.

"You could've told me," he muttered back at her. "I didn't know they were going to be talking about this. I hate Simpson."

"He's not talking about you, Adam. The GSA is sponsoring him, and it's about everything. About being gay or trans or not sure, and about how bullying pushes people to try to be something they're not. He's been practicing at my house for days," Deets told him. "It's a pretty good speech."

So he was talking about Zane. And Riley. And Adam, too, but he wasn't the only one. Adam started to listen, hearing the message about letting people figure out who they were in safe spaces. About not pushing people to be something they weren't. And about respecting who they were.

His jaw relaxed slowly, as Deets tilted her head to lean against his shoulder again.

"Still want me to go away?" she asked.

"I don't know." Which was honest, because he didn't know if he was ready for this at all. Things weren't going to suddenly change overnight. This was the real world, not some fairy tale with a happily ever after ending.

But he watched, too, as Pepper came up next to Jordan, and wrapped her arm around his waist, leaning into him comfortably. Watched how easy they were with each other, and how obvious it was that they were together. That Jordan was a boy, and Pepper was a girl, and no one could really argue about it.

He heard the whispers around them, and had to think Jordan heard them too. But the other boy didn't shrink back. And he didn't fight.

He just was.

#

Afterward, Deets tugged on Adam's hand, pulling him with her as she went up to Jordan. She let go long enough to hug Jordan, then slipped right back close to Adam. "You were great," she told him. "Didn't stumble at all."

"Thanks." Jordan smiled, glancing as Pepper stepped away to talk to someone, then back to the pair in front of him. "Hey. I'm Jordan. I'm guessing you're either Eli or Adam."

"Adam." He thought about it a moment, then stuck his hand out, firm as they shook. "I'm--" he glanced at Deets. "I'm Deets' boyfriend."

"She's a good kid," Jordan said, "and you sound like you're a pretty good guy. So I guess I don't have to worry about kicking your ass if you hurt her?"

Adam winced. "Not me. But you might want to watch out for some of the assholes around here. Degrassi can be a kind of rough place sometimes."

"I've heard." Jordan reached into his pocket and pulled out a scrap of paper, a receipt from somewhere or other. He scribbled down an email address and a phone number, and held it out. "Look, I might be overstepping, but I just want you to know you're not alone, okay? If you ever want someone to talk to, about anything, just go ahead and call or write."

Adam looked at the scrap of paper, then carefully folded it and tucked it into his back pocket. "Yeah. Sure. Cool." For some reason, it hadn't really occurred to him that there would be anyone else who would get what his life was like. Someone close to his own age who had been through the same kinds of things. He'd always felt like the odd one out, and for the first time, he thought that maybe he wasn't after all.

"We have to go to class!" Deets caught up with them again, tangling her fingers with Adam's. She kissed Jordan on the cheek and waved to Pepper. "C'mon?" she asked Adam.

They walked away before everyone else did, the crowd still milling in the hall outside of the auditorium, secure that the bells wouldn't ring for another minute or two. "We don't have to be in class yet," Adam protested.

"I know that," Deets said. "I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. Alone."

They stopped at his locker, but he didn't open it up, just leaned against it, looking at her. "I'm not gay," he finally said.

"I know," she said. "You're a guy. In all the ways that it matters to me, you're a guy. I'm not gay either."

Adam rolled that over in his mind, that she was accepting him like this. "They're going to tease you."

Deets rolled her eyes. "They're idiots," she said. "I like you, Adam. I really like you. And I knew I would, just from seeing you in class, which is why I asked Clare if I could sit with you guys at lunch."

Adam blinked. "What?"

She just grinned at him. "I saw you talking to Clare before class so I figured you guys were friends, so afterward, I just figured I'd get myself an introduction. I'm a little forward sometimes."

"And you don't care..."

"I don't care how you were born, Adam Torres," Deets said firmly. "I like _you_ , alright? Can you get that through your thick head already?"

Kiss her. This was the moment he should kiss her. He knew it'd be better if he waited for the proper moment, after their first real date, when there weren't footsteps of other students already coming down the hall towards them. When a PDA might not get them thrown into detention. But still. There wouldn't be another moment just like this one.

So he carefully pulled her closer, bending down to brush his lips against hers. And when she came up on tiptoes to kiss him back, he put one arm around her shoulders and tried to do it properly.

He ignored the catcalls and the coughed words that he could almost hear around the ringing in his ears. And he was grinning like a fool when they broke apart, just in time before Simpson came down the hallway.

"Thank you," Deets said, her lip caught in her teeth as she tried to bite back her own grin.

"For what?"

"Making my first kiss pretty amazing." She touched his hand, just one fleeting motion, then at a look from the teachers walked away down the hallway.

And Adam just stood there, still grinning as he watched her go. First kiss. Amazing. Oh hell yeah, he had to agree.


End file.
